A Few Good Beers
Welcome to the first post (and, quite possibly, the last) of Sullen Thrills. Seeing as how you've probably ended up here by mistake I'm going to limit the big welcome to that.
Tom's the name. I live in West Virginia. I have a beard and I like junior bacon cheeseburgers. There, now we've met, we're friends (and may possibly marry), and I can tell you about a few good beers that I have drunk.
Beckley, West Virginia is a drab little town, but it is my home. We don't have a lot of the things that the large megalopolises have (or is that "megalopoli"? I never studied the Greek language. It's all Greek to me.), but we do have many eateries and lots of beer. Nope. No local microbreweries with Sweet Tart Beer, or Maple Syrup Pancake Stout. We buy our beer from Kroger's, or Food Lion (or my own future grocery store, Grocery Tiger), or from a gas station located somewhere in central Wherethefuckareweville. It is my lonely task to tell you which beers are good and which beers are pig's garbage. A friend of mine, who lives in Connecticut, has sailed all about the world and has gorged himself on many brews that I'll never have the privilege of drinking. Therefore I'm admitting right off the bat that I'm not the most informed beer drinker around, and I don't want to be. Everybody just HAS to be the bee's knees at everything. Everybody just has to be a fucking know-it-all. Well, I don't know it all, but I'll tell you what I DO know.
#1--Don't drink JW Dundee's Honey Brown Ale. It tastes like vomit. Yes, if you drink enough of any beer, they will eventually taste like vomit. But they shouldn't taste like it coming out of the bottle. It should taste like vomit when you are vomiting later that evening.
#2--The best-tasting beer in this world is Samuel Adams Boston Ale. NOT Boston Lager, which is also delicious. Ale. To quote (and slyly rip off) Alex DeLarge from "Clockwork Orange": "It's like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship." Actually, that was a paraphrase, but so what......
#3--If you are ever at Charley's Pub in Fayetteville, WV, please ask for a bottle of Samuel Smith's Oatmeal Stout. Yep, any beer whose name is Samuel is a good beer. If you find a beer whose name is Raoul Marquez, DO NOT drink it. You won't see another sunrise. Anway, Charley's Pub is only about two miles from the famed (if you live there) New River Gorge Bridge, the world's biggest single-arch bridge. You actually may have a close friend or relative who has jumped off of it. Anyhoo--the beer is really good. And (never start a sentence with "and") the last time I was there, Deep Purple's live version of Highway Star was one of the selections, and it's a great song--especially when most of the guys in the bar are lumberjacks or river guides and none of them like that kind of hippie shit. Also, when you've gotten a really good buzz from your Oatmeal Stout, you should play Stranglehold by Ted Nugent.
#4--Here are some excellent beers to quaff, my young stewards: Sam Adams Cream Stout, Scotch Ale, Hefeweizen, and the aformentioned; Leinenkugel's Honey Weiss; Guiness Stout (although a REAL Irishman will kick you in the wedding tackle for drinking it refrigerated); Grolsch lager; Dos Equis; Negra Modelo (it has its moments); Molsen Ice and Molsen Golden; let's just leave it at that for now. I've read these things before--too many items on a list is a sedative and nothing more.
#5--These beers suck. Any Budweiser (unless your only criteria is to get "fucked up"); Heineken (overrated); Beck's (the same); Oh hell, who cares? Also, don't drink any kind of draft cider. They all taste like shite. Woodchuck? Shit. Hornsby's? Shit. Also, one year on Christmas Eve I was drinking Ernest & Julio Gallo Burgundy wine whilst listening to the Carpenter's (this is, if anything ever is, a Sullen Thrill) and I wouldn't recommend that. The wine, anyway. Actually, the Carpenter's were pretty good, if you're in that sort of mood.
Well, that wraps up my very first B.inarily L.ogged O.riginal G.raffiti. I hope you found it to be a singular, orgasmic experience. Until next time, may all of your jumpers hit nothing but the bottom of the net.
T.O.M.
Tom's the name. I live in West Virginia. I have a beard and I like junior bacon cheeseburgers. There, now we've met, we're friends (and may possibly marry), and I can tell you about a few good beers that I have drunk.
Beckley, West Virginia is a drab little town, but it is my home. We don't have a lot of the things that the large megalopolises have (or is that "megalopoli"? I never studied the Greek language. It's all Greek to me.), but we do have many eateries and lots of beer. Nope. No local microbreweries with Sweet Tart Beer, or Maple Syrup Pancake Stout. We buy our beer from Kroger's, or Food Lion (or my own future grocery store, Grocery Tiger), or from a gas station located somewhere in central Wherethefuckareweville. It is my lonely task to tell you which beers are good and which beers are pig's garbage. A friend of mine, who lives in Connecticut, has sailed all about the world and has gorged himself on many brews that I'll never have the privilege of drinking. Therefore I'm admitting right off the bat that I'm not the most informed beer drinker around, and I don't want to be. Everybody just HAS to be the bee's knees at everything. Everybody just has to be a fucking know-it-all. Well, I don't know it all, but I'll tell you what I DO know.
#1--Don't drink JW Dundee's Honey Brown Ale. It tastes like vomit. Yes, if you drink enough of any beer, they will eventually taste like vomit. But they shouldn't taste like it coming out of the bottle. It should taste like vomit when you are vomiting later that evening.
#2--The best-tasting beer in this world is Samuel Adams Boston Ale. NOT Boston Lager, which is also delicious. Ale. To quote (and slyly rip off) Alex DeLarge from "Clockwork Orange": "It's like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship." Actually, that was a paraphrase, but so what......
#3--If you are ever at Charley's Pub in Fayetteville, WV, please ask for a bottle of Samuel Smith's Oatmeal Stout. Yep, any beer whose name is Samuel is a good beer. If you find a beer whose name is Raoul Marquez, DO NOT drink it. You won't see another sunrise. Anway, Charley's Pub is only about two miles from the famed (if you live there) New River Gorge Bridge, the world's biggest single-arch bridge. You actually may have a close friend or relative who has jumped off of it. Anyhoo--the beer is really good. And (never start a sentence with "and") the last time I was there, Deep Purple's live version of Highway Star was one of the selections, and it's a great song--especially when most of the guys in the bar are lumberjacks or river guides and none of them like that kind of hippie shit. Also, when you've gotten a really good buzz from your Oatmeal Stout, you should play Stranglehold by Ted Nugent.
#4--Here are some excellent beers to quaff, my young stewards: Sam Adams Cream Stout, Scotch Ale, Hefeweizen, and the aformentioned; Leinenkugel's Honey Weiss; Guiness Stout (although a REAL Irishman will kick you in the wedding tackle for drinking it refrigerated); Grolsch lager; Dos Equis; Negra Modelo (it has its moments); Molsen Ice and Molsen Golden; let's just leave it at that for now. I've read these things before--too many items on a list is a sedative and nothing more.
#5--These beers suck. Any Budweiser (unless your only criteria is to get "fucked up"); Heineken (overrated); Beck's (the same); Oh hell, who cares? Also, don't drink any kind of draft cider. They all taste like shite. Woodchuck? Shit. Hornsby's? Shit. Also, one year on Christmas Eve I was drinking Ernest & Julio Gallo Burgundy wine whilst listening to the Carpenter's (this is, if anything ever is, a Sullen Thrill) and I wouldn't recommend that. The wine, anyway. Actually, the Carpenter's were pretty good, if you're in that sort of mood.
Well, that wraps up my very first B.inarily L.ogged O.riginal G.raffiti. I hope you found it to be a singular, orgasmic experience. Until next time, may all of your jumpers hit nothing but the bottom of the net.
T.O.M.
posted by Tom at 8:43 PM
3 Comments:
Hello, I'm commenting on my own post. The author of this post did not bother to proofread it before publishing. Therefore I, as the offending party, wish to both admonish and correct the author: whilst talking about Deep Purple's Highway Star, I was referring to the selection being on a JUKEBOX, which is slightly confusing, as I never actually mentioned a jukebox. Also, the group is the Carpenters. NOT "Carpenter's", which has an apostrophe before the letter s, denoting a singular Carpenter who is in possession of something. Do better next time, scheisskopf.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Yay, Tom has a blog! I'm telling you, in no time you'll have a rabid fan following, leading to fame and fortune as a writer. Then you can move to Boston, where the girls drink good beer and understand your literary references. :)
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